WU’CHEN EN
So Monkey King returned home after slaying the King of
Havoc.
MONKEY KING
Hey, kids! I’m home, and I’ve got a nifty Scimitar! Let’s play army!
MONKEY KING teaches all his little MONKEYS to make WOODEN SWORDS and march around in formation.
MONKEY KING
This is all well and good but we need real weapons. What if we get attacked?
MONKEYS
Umm, we live up on a mountain? We could all just hide behind the waterfall.
FOUR SENIOR MONKEYS
We have privileged knowledge. It’s easy to get real weapons.
MONKEY KING
Oh?
FOUR SENIOR MONKEYS
Just go buy some from the kingdom that’s two hundred miles away.
MONKEY KING
Good idea! Wait, how do you know about a kingdom that’s two hundred miles away?
FOUR SENIOR MONKEYS
We read the book.
MONKEY KING
I should do that. Ok. You kids play, I’ll be right back.
MONKEY KING uses his CLOUD SOMERSAULT and flies two hundred miles to the
Kingdom of question.
MONKEY KING
Hmm, there are lots of weapons here but why buy them when I can just steal
them?
And so MONKEY KING makes a MIGHTY WIND that stirs up more POETRY
but also makes
everyone in the Kingdom run into their homes.
MONKEY KING
There, now I’ve got the armory all to myself.
MONKEY goes into the Royal Armory and making little monkeys out of his hair,
steals all the weapons. He flies back to FLOWER FRUIT MOUNTAIN.
MONKEY KING
There, now everyone has real weapons.
Other Demon Kings are impressed by all this and bring MONKEY KING TRIBUTE.
MONKEY KING
That’s right. Honor me for I am wonderful. Except for this Scimitar, it’s
not so wonderful.
FOUR SENIOR MONKEYS
Why don’t you go visit the Dragon King of the Eastern Ocean and ask for something
else?
MONKEY KING
You’ve got to give me a copy of this book, it would speed things
up.
MONKEY KING goes down to visit the DRAGON KING.
AO-KUANG
High Immortal, what brings you to my home?
MONKEY KING
I need a weapon and I heard you must have some spares.
AO-KUANG
Let’s see, I’ve got a scimitar, a nine pronged fork, and a giant halberd.
MONKEY KING
Scimitar is no good and this fork and halberd are both
too light.
AO-KUANG
The fork weights three thousand six hundred pounds
and the halberd weights seven thousand two hundred pounds!
MONKEY KING
Too light! You must have something else!
DRAGON MOTHER
Psst! Honey! Give him that piece of magical iron!
AO-KUANG
But it’s just a magical ruler, what use could he have for it?
Do Monkey Generals often find the need to measure the square
footage of their throne
rooms?
DRAGON MOTHER
Who cares? Just get him out of the house!
AO-KUANG takes MONKEY KING to see the MAGICAL IRON.
MONKEY KING
Ohh, shiny!
MONKEY KING picks up the COMPLIANT GOLDEN-HOOPED ROD, which is labeled as
such along with its weight of thirteen thousand five hundred pounds.
MONKEY KING
It’s handy having all these things labeled. And damn handy that this thing
is compliant! Thanks, neighbor. And would you look at that, I can make it
shrink and grow. Neat!
AO-KUANG
Please, don’t mention it.
MONKEY KING
Now, how about some new clothes to go with this new
staff?
AO-KUANG
I’m afraid I don’t have anything suitable. Why not try someplace else?
MONKEY KING
Nah, I’m too lazy. You know, this is a nice place, it
would be a pity of someone smashed it up with thirteen
thousand pound staff.
AO-KUANG
Let me go see what I can find.
AO-KUANG sends a TURTLE GENERAL to beat an IRON DRUM and GOLDEN BELL to summon
the other Dragon Kings to the Palace. They arrive quickly.
AO-CH’IN
Hey Bro, what’s the big idea ringing the bell? I was in the middle of dinner!
AO-KUANG
I’ve got this Monkey here and he won’t go away. I gave him a weapon like
he asked but now he wants clothes! Give him some clothes so he’ll go away!
AO-CH’IN
Let’s just raise our armies and knock him into next week.
AO-KUANG
Maybe I wasn’t clear enough when I said I gave him a weapon. A piece of
Heavenly Iron to be exact. Do you want to fight a monkey with a staff that
weighs thirteen thousand pounds?
AO-CH’IN
Well that wasn’t too bright of you now was it?
AO-KUANG
I was trying to be a good host.
AO-JUN
Let’s just get some things together and then send a formal complaint to Heaven
before people lose track of who we are. Our names are all very similar you
know.
AO-SHUN
Why, I just so happen to have a pair of cloud-treading
shoes.
AO-JUN
I brought this yellow gold chain mail.
AO-CH’IN
I have a red gold cap with phoenix plumes.
AO-KUANG
That’s wonderful! What a perfect coincidence! How
did you know to bring these things?
AO-JUN
Four monkeys came by and said they might be useful.
AO-KUANG and his SIMILARLY NAMED BROTHERS present MONKEY KING with some new
clothes in the hopes he’ll GET THE HELL OUT!
MONKEY KING
Now I’m looking good!
MONKEY KING leaves, creating HAVOC as he goes. The FOUR DRAGONS
brood and write to HEAVEN to complain. MONKEY KING returns to
his mountain,
SCARES THE CRAP out of all the other Demon Kings nearby and forms
a BROTHERHOOD of sorts.
All is FINE AND DANDY until one day WARDENS from the UNDERWORLD
come to
arrest
MONKEY KING.
WARDENS
Let’s see, this is the Flower-Fruit Mountain so
that must be the Water-Curtin Cave, so that must
be the Monkey.
MONKEY KING
Who are you?
The WARDENS drag MONKEY KING off to the REGION OF DARKNESS, which
despite what the name implies is not a Goth Bar, but the home
of the KING OF
HELL.
MONKEY KING
Hold up, what am I doing here? I’m Immortal!
Never being one to ask for explanation, MONKEY KING draws his staff
and beats the crap out of everybody until the TEN KINGS OF
HELL come out
to see what
the fuss is all about.
TEN KINGS
Hey, dude, chill out. Lots of people in the
world have the same name; it’s
probably just a mistake.
MONKEY KING
I want to see the register of births and deaths
and give me a writing brush while you’re at it.
Never ones to argue with a MONKEY with a really heavy stick, the
TEN KINGS bring MONKEY the REGISTER. MONKEY KING promptly
crosses out his
name and
the names of every other monkey he can find.
MONKEY KING
There, that takes care of that! I’m getting out of
here!
Even though NO ONE has threatened him in ANY WAY, he fights his
way out of HELL. The TEN KINGS sulk for a bit, before
they decided to
TATTLE on MONKEY
KING.
TEN KINGS
Let’s tell The Jade Emperor about this, he’ll fix that
punk!
MEANWHILE, MONKEY KING trips and then WAKES UP.
MONKEY KING
What do you know; I was asleep the whole
time.
FOUR GENERALS
You must’ve been really drunk; you’ve been asleep all night!
MONKEY KING
Silence! Monkey King does not get drunk!
Anyway, I went down to Hell and crossed all of our
names out of the Register of Death, so effectively
we’re
all immortal.
FOUR GENERALS
Sounds like a great reason to have
a party!
And so they party, meanwhile, the DRAGON KINGS and TEN KINGS OF
HELL complain to the JADE EMPEROR.
DRAGON KINGS
We gave him gifts and he didn’t even say thank you!
TEN KINGS
And, on a more serious matter, he erased
all the monkeys’ names from the
Register of Death, so now we’ve got a pack of immortal monkeys on our hands!
JADE EMPEROR
Hmm, I guess we can’t have that. What shall we do about it?
LONG-LIFE SPIRIT OF VENUS
Let’s bribe him. Have him called up here to Heaven,
we’ll give him a job
and then we’ll be able to keep our
eyes on him.
JADE EMPEROR
Make it so.
And so GOLD STAR SPIRIT OF VENUS was
sent down to tell MONKEY KING to come to Heaven
GOLD STAR
Hey, Monkey King, you’ve been offered a job in Heaven.
MONKEY KING
It’s about time! That’s a good reason to have a party!
GOLD STAR
No time for parties, the Jade Emperor
is waiting and he’s cranky if he has
to wait long.
MONKEY KING
Fine with me. You kids be good while
I’m gone.
WU CHENG’EN
Want to know what his job is going to be? You’ll
have to read the next chapter.