Chapter 3: Monkey builds an army, gets his Ringed Wishing Staff and erases his name from the Book of Death.

 


Main HB
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Chapter 45
Chapter 46
Chapter 47
Chapter 48
Chapter 49
Chapter 50
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Chapter 51
Chapter 52
Chapter 53
Chapter 54
Chapter 55
Chapter 56
Chapter 57
Chapter 58
Chapter 59
Chapter 60
Chapter 61
Chapter 62
Chapter 63
Chapter 64
Chapter 65
Chapter 66
Chapter 67
Chapter 68
Chapter 69
Chapter 70
Chapter 71
Chapter 72
Chapter 73
Chapter 74
Chapter 75
Chapter 76
Chapter 77
Chapter 78
Chapter 79
Chapter 80
Chapter 81
Chapter 82
Chapter 83
Chapter 84
Chapter 85
Chapter 86
Chapter 87
Chapter 88
Chapter 89
Chapter 90
Chapter 91
Chapter 92
Chapter 93
Chapter 94
Chapter 95
Chapter 96
Chapter 97
Chapter 98
Chapter 99
Chapter 100
Main

WUíCHEN EN
So Monkey King returned home after slaying the King of Havoc.

MONKEY KING
Hey, kids! Iím home, and Iíve got a nifty Scimitar! Letís play army!

MONKEY KING teaches all his little MONKEYS to make WOODEN SWORDS and march around in formation.

MONKEY KING
This is all well and good but we need real weapons. What if we get attacked?

MONKEYS
Umm, we live up on a mountain? We could all just hide behind the waterfall.

FOUR SENIOR MONKEYS
We have privileged knowledge. Itís easy to get real weapons.

MONKEY KING
Oh?

FOUR SENIOR MONKEYS
Just go buy some from the kingdom thatís two hundred miles away.

MONKEY KING
Good idea! Wait, how do you know about a kingdom thatís two hundred miles away?

FOUR SENIOR MONKEYS
We read the book.

MONKEY KING
I should do that. Ok. You kids play, Iíll be right back.

MONKEY KING uses his CLOUD SOMERSAULT and flies two hundred miles to the Kingdom of question.

MONKEY KING
Hmm, there are lots of weapons here but why buy them when I can just steal them?

And so MONKEY KING makes a MIGHTY WIND that stirs up more POETRY but also makes everyone in the Kingdom run into their homes.

MONKEY KING
There, now Iíve got the armory all to myself.

MONKEY goes into the Royal Armory and making little monkeys out of his hair, steals all the weapons. He flies back to FLOWER FRUIT MOUNTAIN.

MONKEY KING
There, now everyone has real weapons.

Other Demon Kings are impressed by all this and bring MONKEY KING TRIBUTE.

MONKEY KING
Thatís right. Honor me for I am wonderful. Except for this Scimitar, itís not so wonderful.

FOUR SENIOR MONKEYS
Why donít you go visit the Dragon King of the Eastern Ocean and ask for something else?

MONKEY KING
Youíve got to give me a copy of this book, it would speed things up.

MONKEY KING goes down to visit the DRAGON KING.

AO-KUANG
High Immortal, what brings you to my home?

MONKEY KING
I need a weapon and I heard you must have some spares.

AO-KUANG
Letís see, Iíve got a scimitar, a nine pronged fork, and a giant halberd.

MONKEY KING
Scimitar is no good and this fork and halberd are both too light.

AO-KUANG
The fork weights three thousand six hundred pounds and the halberd weights seven thousand two hundred pounds!

MONKEY KING
Too light! You must have something else!

DRAGON MOTHER
Psst! Honey! Give him that piece of magical iron!

AO-KUANG
But itís just a magical ruler, what use could he have for it? Do Monkey Generals often find the need to measure the square footage of their throne rooms?

DRAGON MOTHER
Who cares? Just get him out of the house!

AO-KUANG takes MONKEY KING to see the MAGICAL IRON.

MONKEY KING
Ohh, shiny!

MONKEY KING picks up the COMPLIANT GOLDEN-HOOPED ROD, which is labeled as such along with its weight of thirteen thousand five hundred pounds.

MONKEY KING
Itís handy having all these things labeled. And damn handy that this thing is compliant! Thanks, neighbor. And would you look at that, I can make it shrink and grow. Neat!

AO-KUANG
Please, donít mention it.

MONKEY KING
Now, how about some new clothes to go with this new staff?

AO-KUANG
Iím afraid I donít have anything suitable. Why not try someplace else?

MONKEY KING
Nah, Iím too lazy. You know, this is a nice place, it would be a pity of someone smashed it up with thirteen thousand pound staff.

AO-KUANG
Let me go see what I can find.

AO-KUANG sends a TURTLE GENERAL to beat an IRON DRUM and GOLDEN BELL to summon the other Dragon Kings to the Palace. They arrive quickly.

AO-CHíIN
Hey Bro, whatís the big idea ringing the bell? I was in the middle of dinner!

AO-KUANG
Iíve got this Monkey here and he wonít go away. I gave him a weapon like he asked but now he wants clothes! Give him some clothes so heíll go away!

AO-CHíIN
Letís just raise our armies and knock him into next week.

AO-KUANG
Maybe I wasnít clear enough when I said I gave him a weapon. A piece of Heavenly Iron to be exact. Do you want to fight a monkey with a staff that weighs thirteen thousand pounds?

AO-CHíIN
Well that wasnít too bright of you now was it?

AO-KUANG
I was trying to be a good host.

AO-JUN
Letís just get some things together and then send a formal complaint to Heaven before people lose track of who we are. Our names are all very similar you know.

AO-SHUN
Why, I just so happen to have a pair of cloud-treading shoes.

AO-JUN
I brought this yellow gold chain mail.

AO-CHíIN
I have a red gold cap with phoenix plumes.

AO-KUANG
Thatís wonderful! What a perfect coincidence! How did you know to bring these things?

AO-JUN
Four monkeys came by and said they might be useful.

AO-KUANG and his SIMILARLY NAMED BROTHERS present MONKEY KING with some new clothes in the hopes heíll GET THE HELL OUT!

MONKEY KING
Now Iím looking good!

MONKEY KING leaves, creating HAVOC as he goes. The FOUR DRAGONS brood and write to HEAVEN to complain. MONKEY KING returns to his mountain, SCARES THE CRAP out of all the other Demon Kings nearby and forms a BROTHERHOOD of sorts. All is FINE AND DANDY until one day WARDENS from the UNDERWORLD come to arrest MONKEY KING.

WARDENS
Letís see, this is the Flower-Fruit Mountain so that must be the Water-Curtin Cave, so that must be the Monkey.

MONKEY KING
Who are you?

The WARDENS drag MONKEY KING off to the REGION OF DARKNESS, which despite what the name implies is not a Goth Bar, but the home of the KING OF HELL.

MONKEY KING
Hold up, what am I doing here? Iím Immortal!

Never being one to ask for explanation, MONKEY KING draws his staff and beats the crap out of everybody until the TEN KINGS OF HELL come out to see what the fuss is all about.

TEN KINGS
Hey, dude, chill out. Lots of people in the world have the same name; itís probably just a mistake.

MONKEY KING
I want to see the register of births and deaths and give me a writing brush while youíre at it.

Never ones to argue with a MONKEY with a really heavy stick, the TEN KINGS bring MONKEY the REGISTER. MONKEY KING promptly crosses out his name and the names of every other monkey he can find.

MONKEY KING
There, that takes care of that! Iím getting out of here!

Even though NO ONE has threatened him in ANY WAY, he fights his way out of HELL. The TEN KINGS sulk for a bit, before they decided to TATTLE on MONKEY KING.

TEN KINGS
Letís tell The Jade Emperor about this, heíll fix that punk!

MEANWHILE, MONKEY KING trips and then WAKES UP.

MONKEY KING
What do you know; I was asleep the whole time.

FOUR GENERALS
You mustíve been really drunk; youíve been asleep all night!

MONKEY KING
Silence! Monkey King does not get drunk! Anyway, I went down to Hell and crossed all of our names out of the Register of Death, so effectively weíre all immortal.

FOUR GENERALS
Sounds like a great reason to have a party!

And so they party, meanwhile, the DRAGON KINGS and TEN KINGS OF HELL complain to the JADE EMPEROR.

DRAGON KINGS
We gave him gifts and he didnít even say thank you!

TEN KINGS
And, on a more serious matter, he erased all the monkeysí names from the Register of Death, so now weíve got a pack of immortal monkeys on our hands!

JADE EMPEROR
Hmm, I guess we canít have that. What shall we do about it?

LONG-LIFE SPIRIT OF VENUS
Letís bribe him. Have him called up here to Heaven, weíll give him a job and then weíll be able to keep our eyes on him.

JADE EMPEROR
Make it so.

And so GOLD STAR SPIRIT OF VENUS was sent down to tell MONKEY KING to come to Heaven

GOLD STAR
Hey, Monkey King, youíve been offered a job in Heaven.

MONKEY KING
Itís about time! Thatís a good reason to have a party!

GOLD STAR
No time for parties, the Jade Emperor is waiting and heís cranky if he has to wait long.

MONKEY KING
Fine with me. You kids be good while Iím gone.

WU CHENGíEN
Want to know what his job is going to be? Youíll have to read the next chapter.