Chapter 2: Monkey Gets Tao.

 


Main HB
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Chapter 45
Chapter 46
Chapter 47
Chapter 48
Chapter 49
Chapter 50
Main

 

Chapter 51
Chapter 52
Chapter 53
Chapter 54
Chapter 55
Chapter 56
Chapter 57
Chapter 58
Chapter 59
Chapter 60
Chapter 61
Chapter 62
Chapter 63
Chapter 64
Chapter 65
Chapter 66
Chapter 67
Chapter 68
Chapter 69
Chapter 70
Chapter 71
Chapter 72
Chapter 73
Chapter 74
Chapter 75
Chapter 76
Chapter 77
Chapter 78
Chapter 79
Chapter 80
Chapter 81
Chapter 82
Chapter 83
Chapter 84
Chapter 85
Chapter 86
Chapter 87
Chapter 88
Chapter 89
Chapter 90
Chapter 91
Chapter 92
Chapter 93
Chapter 94
Chapter 95
Chapter 96
Chapter 97
Chapter 98
Chapter 99
Chapter 100
Main

And so MONKEY KING begins to learn the TAO, which involves all sorts of CHORES and eating PEACHES. Seven years go by until one day SUBODHI gives a lecture about which there is more poetry.

MONKEY KING
Now that is some good shit!

SUBODHI
Ahh, you appreciate the Tao and youíve been here seven years already. What would you like to learn?

MONKEY KING
How to be immortal.

SUBODHI
I could teach you any one of the three hundred and sixty divisions of the Tao.

MONKEY KING
Only if they can teach me to be Immortal.

SUBODHI then gets mad and hits MONKEY KING on the head three times, and then walks away with his arms folded behind his back, closing the main doors behind him.

OTHER STUDENTS
You idiot, now look what youíve done. Who knows how long heíll be in that hissy fit.

MONKEY KING
Thatís ok. Iíve already solved his riddle. By hitting me three times, he means he wants me to wait for the Third Watch; by walking away with his arms folded behind his back through the main door, he wants me to enter by the back door to receive his instruction in secret. Itís simple really.

READERS
Ö Huh?

And so MONKEY KING goes and sees SUBODHI by sneaking into his room.

MONKEY KING
Come on, Master, wake up, I canít just wait around all night.

SUBODHI
I see you solved my riddle.

MONKEY KING
It was pitifully easy, Master.

READERS
Ö It was?

SUBODHI
That means you truly are a creature born of heaven and earth.

MONKEY KING
Immortality makes you slow on the uptake, Master?

SUBODHI
I guess itís time to start teaching you those immortal arts.

MONKEY KING
Finally!

MASTER SUBODHI teaches MONKEY KING all about immortal arts. Surprisingly there is no poetry but there is a hell of a lot of alchemical symbolism thrown about. Over the course of SEVERAL MORE YEARS MONKEY KING learns how to walk on clouds and masters seventy-two transformations.

MONKEY KING
Am I good or what?

STUDENTS
Yeah, youíre pretty good, how about showing off?

MONKEY KING
Ok, watch this, now Iím a pine tree.

MONKEY KING does indeed turn into a pine tree, at which all the STUDENTS laugh, disturbing SUBODHI who comes out and scolds them all for being too loud.

SUBODHI
You kids these days donít take anything seriously. WuíKung, who told you to go and show off?

MONKEY KING
Aww, come on, it was just some fun.

SUBODHI
Humph! Off with you! Get out of here!

MONKEY KING
What? But, I owe you for all that teaching and food and stuff.

SUBODHI
No, you donít; now go on, get out of here! And if you ever tell anyone that I was your master Iíll hear about it and believe you me, Iíll skin you alive, break all your bones and banish your soul to the Place of Ninefold Darkness!

MONKEY KING
Ok! Ok! Geez! I promise already!

And so MONKEY KING returns to his home, spouting poetry along the way.

MONKEY KING
Itís kind of catchy really. Hey, kids, Iím home!

MONKEYS
Well it sure took you long enough! Here weíve been, oppressed by a demon who kidnaps our children, steals our stuff, and you never call, you never write!

MONKEY KING
What? A monster on my mountain?

MONKEYS
Yeah, he calls himself Monstrous King of Havoc and he lives north of here.

MONKEY KING
Iím the only king on this mountain. You kids go play; Iím going to go kick ass.

And so MONKEY KING flies off to find some more POETRY. He finds another mountain amidst all that poetry and starts throwing his weight around.

MONKEY KING
Hey, King of Havoc, or whatever, come out here and get your butt whipped.

KING OF HAVOC
Did you hear something? Don't I have a cool name?

IMPS
Thereís a Monkey outside who claims heís the Lord of that cave youíve been pillaging. He doesnít have any weapons and heís dressed funny.

KING OF HAVOC
Well, get me my armor and Iíll have a look.

The KING OF HAVOC dons his armor amid more poetry and steps outside.

MONKEY KING
Prepare yourself for a can of whoop ass!

KING OF HAVOC
You donít have a weapon, here Iíll put down my sword and weíll box.

MONKEY KING
Itís your funeral.

They fight and MONKEY KING succeeds in righteously kicking ass. When the KING OF HAVOC tries to cheat and get MONKEY KING with his sword, MONKEY KING uses his hair to make thousands of little monkeys who assist with the serious ass kicking. MONKEY KING wins the battle and kills the KING and all of his IMPS.

MONKEYS
Yay! Weíre free! But how do we get home?

MONKEY KING
Got you covered.

MONKEY KING uses his TAOIST MAGIC to transport all the little monkeys home.

MONKEYS
YAY! You rock! Letís have a party!

MONKEY KING
Sounds good to me, oh, and we have a surname now. Weíre all Suns.

MONKEYS
Works for us! Letís party.

They all party.

WUíCHENG EN
Unless you know the story, youíll have to wait and read the next chapter! I told you I was going to say that each time.